Dinner at Number Four
by Rainsong
Summary: To prove that Harry isn't being mistreated, Vernon Dursley invites Sirius over for dinner. But when Aunt Marge shows up to join them, tempers and pudding will fly. *Alternate Ending Added!*
1. The Invitation

Dinner at Number Four  
by Rainsong  
  
A/N: My next ff.n fic! The premise of this one is easy enough to understand. I hope the summary was ok, too, btw. Anyway, I've never done comedy before, and I have no idea whether or not its my strong suit. If this is horrible, please know that its not because I have a horrible sense of humor. I just suck at putting it into words. Want something truly hilarious? Go read Trinity Day's fiction. I've laughed myself into lightheadedness and tears reading stories like 'In the Dark' and 'Christmas Tidings'.   
  
Oh, and I don't own Harry Potter. Too bad, huh? Maybe I'd have more than $5 and 'Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness' by the Smashing Pumpkins if I did. Oh well..and the dreamers shall dream...  
  
~~~~~  
  
"You can't be serious."   
  
Harry was staring at his uncle in disbelief. Uncle Vernon, the most magically prejudiced person Harry had ever met, just suggested having dinner with one of the most notorious wizards in Britain.  
  
"I'm dead serious, boy. You're to write him now." Vernon said, moving dangerously close to Harry's face.  
  
"But..Uncle Vernon, its SIRIUS. Crazed murderer ring a bell?" Harry asked pleadingly.  
  
"Come to think of it, it does ring a bell. And I also get an image of that..godfather of yours massacring my family because he thinks you're not getting the royal treatment around here. In a 'friendly gesture', I'm inviting that lowlife to my home for dinner in three days. You're going to look lively and presentable, and we'll all do the fuzzy feelings thing for a couple hours. Then maybe I can rest assured." Uncle Vernon hissed, the veins in his neck protruding and his face growing exceedingly purple.  
  
Harry was at a loss for words. It seemed there was no talking the Dursleys out of this one. Silently, Harry walked back up to his room, and prepared to write a letter to Sirius.  
  
In his mind, he was envisioning all of the things that could go wrong. Just as he was thinking about the possibility of Sirius finding out that he had lived in a cupboard for his first eleven years with the Dursleys, something hurtled into him from the left.  
  
He looked down and saw Dudley, backing up and giving him a menacing glare.  
  
"I heard Dad saying that someone was coming over to dinner. Who?" Dudley demanded.  
  
"No one you'd be interested in meeting." Harry replied, and continued down the hall.  
  
But Dudley wasn't satisfied with that answer. He moved as quickly as he could and stopped to stand in front of Harry. "Who? Its not one of your nutter friends, is it? I didn't think that Dad allowed those things in the house." Dudley said, blocking the path to Harry's bedroom with his enormous size.  
  
"Actually, it is a wizard, Dudley. Remember Sirius?" Harry asked, stopping his rush of thoughts for a moment to enjoy Dudley's sudden shock.  
  
"B-But Dad wouldn't invite HIM here." Dudley said, his eyes bulging.  
  
"I didn't think so either until now. But obviously, Uncle Vernon's had a bit of a change of heart. Why don't you go downstairs and discuss that with him?" Harry said, starting to walk forward. In moments, Dudley was already climbign back down the stairs.  
  
Harry shook his head and opened the door to his room. Sitting down at his desk, he pulled out a piece of parchment and began his letter.  
  
Dear Sirius,  
  
I don't really believe this, but Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia have invited you over for dinner. It seems to be because they're still terrified of you and want to make sure you are aware of how much I love living with them, or something to that effect.  
Of course, I still hate it here, but pretend you don't know that, okay?  
  
Its set to be at 6 o'clock on Friday. Please write back soon.  
  
  
-Harry  
  
Satisfied with his letter, Harry folded it up and tied it to Hedwig's leg. "Take this to Sirius, will you? He's staying at Remus's house, I think." Harry said.   
  
Hooting, the snowy owl took off out the window. Harry watched until Hedwig was no longer visible, and then sat down on his bed with a copy of 'Intermediate Transfiguration' propped up on his lap. Much to Hermione's delight, he had planned on starting study for his O.W.Ls early.   
  
Downstairs, he could hear Dudley arguing loudly with Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, undoubtedly about Sirius's scheduled visit. Harry smiled, trying to put his worries to rest for a while. At least he'd be seeing Sirius again, and what could go wrong? The Dursleys would be sure to watch everything they say, and Harry would be treated as well as Dudley. It couldn't be that awful.  
  
Suddenly, Harry was jolted out of his thoughts by a loud *thunk* and a voice coming from downstairs.  
  
"Vernon! How good to see you! Termites have gotten to the house, I think I'll need to stay here a few days. Of course, I'm sure its no trouble. I should be gone by Saturday at the earliest." the voice boomed.  
  
Harry suddenly felt the dread creeping back up into his throat tenfold. Aunt Marge had just walked in, and would be staying until Saturday. Dinner with Sirius was on Friday. Harry dropped his book.  
  
Oh no.  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: There ya go, chapter one up and running! Hope you enjoyed it! Should be updating soon..its one of those ideas I've had in my head for a long time. What would happen if Sirius and Aunt Marge had to meet? Oh well, call me crazy, but I thought it might be a good premise for some fiction. Please review! 


	2. Aunt Marge Arrives

Dinner at Number Four  
by Rainsong  
  
A/N: I did a sort of victory dance/song of joy when I saw that I had gotten 13 reviews in just one day on only one chapter! Muchas gracias to Peter Winfield and David Bore, Lady Foxfire, Kate melissa Black, Laurelgand, livic88, Jadegreen, DangerousManda, Taracollowen, Becky, Michelle, SiriusBPadfoot, Halacanno, and Kit Cloudkicker!  
  
~~~~  
  
Harry crept silently down the stairs with the intent of listening to more of what Aunt Marge was saying. Suddenly, the step that Harry usually skipped let out a loud creak. Aunt Marge jerked her head up from where she was standing. She gave him a look of utter disgust, as if he was a particularly ugly insect lingering on the wall.  
  
"The runt's still here, is he? If I were you, I'd get him out of the house and employed somewhere, but I guess with a record like that he'd be unable to find work. Still at St. Brutus's?" Marge asked, turning back to Aunt Petunia. She nodded solemnly, and Marge made a "hmph!" noise that signaled the opinion 'serves him right!' that she often used when talking about Harry.  
  
For the first time, Harry noticed Uncle Vernon. He was doing the best to stay composed and not let on to Aunt Marge that she was quite unwelcome at the time, but he was sweating profusely, and the newspaper he was wringing was beginning to shred.  
  
"Where's my Duddy-kins?" Aunt Marge boomed after moving into the kitchen. Harry saw Dudley walk into the kitchen from the living room, looking particularly angry. Harry couldn't tell whether or not that was because he had just found out about Sirius, or that he had been given no prior warning about Aunt Marge's visit.  
  
"MY NEFFY-POO!" Aunt Marge cried loudly, and Harry thought he could faintly hear the smacking of flesh as the two largest people he had ever met embraced. Deciding not to intrude, Harry started to walk back upstairs. But suddenly he was halted by a very desperate whisper from the foot of the staircase.  
  
"Boy! Come down here!"   
  
He turned to see Uncle Vernon standing there, looking pale. Harry moved cautiously back downstairs, and listened as Uncle Vernon hissed low enough that he couldn't be heard by those left in the kitchen.  
  
"What do you propose we do about this little mess? I can't tell Marge to leave, she could become more deadly than that godfather of yours. And I can't very well 'uninvite' him, can I? That's probably bad manners in their world too.." Uncle Vernon said, looking desperately around. Harry got the impression that he wasn't speaking to anyone in particular.  
  
"Maybe you could just tell Marge that Sirius is an..er...business associate?" Harry suggested.  
  
"Oh, really? And what would you say to him, eh? 'Just play along'? There is supposed to be nothing but utter normalcy when he visits, and if Marge gets started on what she thinks of your family..." Uncle Vernon shuddered. "Her opinions are perfectly valid, but somehow I don't think that riffraff would agree."  
  
He moved back, straightening his collar.  
"She's to know nothing about this until Friday. Then I will simply tell her the truth. Your godfather is coming to visit. She will put up with it, and I'll do my best to keep her in line. But no talk of you-know-what! I don't want Marge being exposed to all of that hocus-pocus malarkey." Uncle Vernon said. Without another word, he turned away and began to walk into the kitchen.  
  
Harry sighed and climbed back up the stairs. Flopping back down on his bed, he picked up his transfiguration book, and began to read again. As boring as it may have been, Harry found it much easier to concentrate on compared to the deteriorating dinner situation.  
  
The next day was miserable. Harry woke up around nine o'clock and reluctantly started downstairs. On his way into the kitchen, he was tripped by Dudley's Smeltings stick, much to the amusement of everyone else in the room. And he could have sworn that Aunt Marge coughed on his pancakes ("I just hope its not consumption, Vernon.") on purpose.  
  
During the day, Harry stayed in his room for the majority of the time, only coming down when Aunt Petunia called for him to 'fetch something for Marge'. His presence was otherwise only called upon for lunch and dinner.  
  
At dinner, as Harry tried his hardest to remain far from Aunt Marge's attention, the usual barrage of insults began.  
  
"Enjoying St. Brutus's, boy?" Aunt Marge asked as she cut through a rough piece of steak.   
  
"No." Harry said shortly, hoping that that was the answer expected of him.  
  
"Hmph! I wouldn't expect you to. At least in a few years, you'll be of legal age. Then he'll be out of your hands when he begins to get in REAL trouble, eh Vernon?" Aunt Marge said, throwing another disgusted look at Harry.   
  
Harry just turned his head back to his book. No matter how accustomed to Aunt Marge's insults one became, they were still annoying enough that it was best to keep your mind on something else.  
  
"So how's work been going for you, Vernon?" Aunt Marge asked, turning her attention from Harry to Grunnings.  
  
"Quite good, actually. Oh, I must tell you this joke I heard! Its about a Swedish electrician.."   
  
After that, Harry had more or less tuned out completely. But suddenly, someone kicked him from under the table. Looking up, he saw Uncle Vernon staring at him and gesturing upstairs.   
  
He listened closely, and began to hear a steady tapping on glass. Realizing what it was, Harry bolted from his seat and ran upstairs, as Aunt Petunia shouted after him, "Fix that furnace!" and Aunt Marge could be heard saying something about 'no manners'.  
  
When Harry reached his room, he saw an owl looming outside his window, carrying an envelope. Harry unlatched the window quickly and watched as the large tawny owl soared in, dropping the letter into Harry's hand.  
  
Ripping open the envelope, Harry began to read what was written.  
~  
  
Dear Harry,  
  
I guess I don't have to tell you how un-Dursleyish that is, but I'll be there. I'll wear Muggle clothes too, just in case. I can see full robes being a little troubling to that lot. I'll Apparate there at 6 sharp. Hope everything's alright otherwise.  
  
-Sirius  
  
~  
  
So Sirius was coming. Harry felt the sinking worry reappear inside of him, as he listened to Aunt Marge's drunken giggles from downstairs. Well, at least Sirius was going to be in Muggle clothes. He was probably right; wizard wear would definitely bring up some questions, if not from the Dursleys, from Aunt Marge.  
  
Harry pulled out a 'Diary of a Seeker' by Martin Gremmins. Before he knew it, he had drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
A/N: Chapter 2, there you go! Please review! 3 should be up shortly! 


	3. Sirius at Six

Dinner at Number Four - Chapter Three  
by Rainsong  
  
A/N: Man, I've never gotten so many reviews for a story! Thanks so much to PurplePhoenix, Sparks, Catspook (lol), AllAboutMe, Rufus Grey, Taracollowen, Spark-Chick, Lady Foxfire, bluemeanies, Practical Magic, Mrs Grim, alli, StarBright, paroxysm (i'll read your stories when i get a chance, promise!), MysticJedi, KellyBee, Moonie, Shei, tsuki tatsu, Tigger, venus4280, SailorChibi, nell, Kosetsuno Tenshi, Carey, and Audrey-Paudrey! 38 reviews! Thank you so much!  
  
  
~~~~~  
  
Harry woke up the next morning, feeling dazed and sick with worry. He turned to look at the clock on his dresser; it read 11:49. Bolting from his bed, Harry began to get dressed hurriedly, throwing clothes everywhere as he searched for a matching sock. Since there was no point in brushing his hair, he threw on his shoes and started downstairs.   
  
He walked into the living room, finding everyone looking quite calm. Uncle Vernon was reading the newspaper, Aunt Petunia was knitting a sweater that looked more like a circus tent for Dudley, and Aunt Marge was sitting in an armchair, watching the television intently.   
  
No one said anything to him as he walked into the room. Normally, Aunt Petunia banged on his door if he wasn't up by nine - now it was almost noon. Aunt Marge suddenly jerked her head up.   
  
"Awake, are you? I thought that would happen. I told Petunia that there was no need to wake you every morning, considering you're.. what is it now? 15? Yes, well, I said that if you had any decency, you'd wake up and not keep anyone waiting for you. Obviously we know the outcome of that experiment." Aunt Marge said, looking disgusted.  
  
Harry didn't bother with reminding her that the Dursleys never waited for Harry to do anything. But then again, it did seem oddly quiet in the house today; normally at this time the Dursleys would be out shopping, or visiting friends. And Uncle Vernon wasn't at work. He thought it best not to inquire about that either, since it probably had to do with Sirius. Without another word, Harry turned to the kitchen, intent on making breakfast- or lunch, considering the time.  
  
After eating, Harry went back into the living room and sat down on the couch, a safe distance away from Aunt Petunia. He began to watch the television also; it was the image of a criminal who was wanted on multiple charges. Aunt Marge clucked her tongue.  
  
"What ever became of that one man that was on the telly a couple o' years ago? What was his name...Black! Thats it. Did they ever catch him?" Marge asked from her armchair.   
  
Aunt Petunia made a high-pitched squeak, and Uncle Vernon's face became a shade lighter, but he managed to croak out "I don't believe so."   
Aunt Marge simply said "Hmph!" and went back to watching the report.   
  
Suddenly, another question came to Harry's mind.  
  
"Where's Dudley?" he asked.   
  
"Out with Piers. I told him that he has to be back by 5:45 at the latest." Aunt Petunia snapped, casting a glare in Harry's direction. Harry turned back to the TV, catching the last of a commercial for a bug zapper ("Its electric!!") before a return to the news, which consisted of information relating to the recent drought, and the new fish restaurant in town. Becoming extremely bored, Harry went back up to his room to continue reading.   
  
Hours seemed to fly by; after 3 books and a bag of Bertie Botts, Harry realized that it was already 5:50. He had heard Dudley come back about a half hour ago. Walking downstairs, he noticed Uncle Vernon pacing the kitchen nervously. When he saw Harry, he flew across the room towards him and began to speak in a low whisper.  
  
"I'm telling Marge now. He could be here any moment; Petunia's got the dinner ready. You're to come over here and sit down in the living room as I explain this. No interruptions, and don't speak unless I ask a question." Uncle Vernon said. He then grabbed Harry by the collar and dragged him into the living room. He sat down on the sofa. Aunt Marge was once again in the armchair. She didn't look up when he entered. Uncle Vernon sat down and cleared his throat.  
  
"Marge, I forgot to tell you. We're having a guest for dinner tonight. His name is Mr. Black, and he is the boy's godfather." he said, jerking his head in Harry's direction.  
  
"The rat has a godfather? Why hasn't he been with him instead of burdening you?" Aunt Marge asked, looking disgusted once more.  
  
Uncle Vernon appeared lost for words. He looked at Harry, who responded for him.   
  
"He's been working for the government, and they didn't want him to have any children. Traveled too much." Harry said.  
  
Uncle Vernon let out a breath of relief, and nodded. Aunt Marge appeared satisfied with that response, and stood up.  
  
"Well, I suppose we should get seated at the table, then. I assume he'll be here at 6?"   
  
Uncle Vernon nodded. Aunt Marge waddled into the kitchen and took her place, as did Uncle Vernon. Harry sat down also, and was soon joined by Aunt Petunia and Dudley. They all sat there waiting for 5 minutes. It was so quiet that Harry could clearly hear a *pop* from outside the door. Sirius had arrived.   
  
The doorbell rang. Uncle Vernon jumped to his feet. Walking over to the door, he opened it and put on the most forced smile Harry had ever seen in his life.  
  
"Welcome Mr. Black. So nice to finally meet you." he said a little too animatedly.  
  
Sirius walked in the door. To Harry's surprise, he looked like he knew perfectly well how to dress like a Muggle. He was wearing khakis and a black sweater over a white shirt. It actually looked sort of fashionable.  
  
Sirius smiled, looking amused at Uncle Vernon's behavior. "It was really great of you to invite me over, Mr. Dursley." Sirius said, turning his gaze to the rest of the table.  
  
"Hi Harry!" he said, looking delighted to see Harry again. Harry smiled back, still feeling as nervous as ever.  
  
"Hello, Mrs. Dursley. I don't think I've seen you in years. How are you?" Sirius asked, trying to sound as pleasant as possible.  
  
"I'm fine, thank you. I hope you've been well?" Aunt Petunia said very quickly, as though she had practiced those few words for hours.  
  
"I've been alright, thanks." Sirius said. "And you must be Harry's cousin Dudley?" Sirius asked.  
  
Dudley nodded slowly, looking terrified. Then Sirius noticed Aunt Marge, sitting there and looking skeptical. Before Sirius could ask, Aunt Marge responded "I'm Marjorie Dursley, Vernon's sister." she said, extending a plump hand. The two shook hands briefly, and then Sirius took his seat next to Harry. Though he appeared to be very sociable and comfortable with the situation, even Harry could see the worry clouding Sirius's eyes. He was probably considering the Aunt Marge issue, also.  
  
"By the way, Harry. Remus says hello." Sirius said, smiling again.  
  
"Remus? Who might that be?" Aunt Marge asked, setting down her glass of wine.   
  
"He's a friend.. roommate actually, while I work on finding a new home." Sirius replied.  
  
"I see. So you're gay?"  
  
Sirius choked on his wine. "Um, no, I'm not." he said, looking shocked at Aunt Marge. "Not that I have anything against a relationship of that sort..but its..er..not for me." Sirius said, turning back to his food.  
  
Aunt Marge nodded, and then continued. "So why'd you lose your house?"  
  
"I didn't 'lose' my house. I sold it a while back, and there was a problem with my new home, so I'm waiting for the repairs to finish." Sirius said, coming up with an excuse quickly.  
  
"I see. So you're the boy's godfather. I suppose you support him being in St. Brutus's?" Aunt Marge asked, glancing at Harry angrily for a moment and then turning back to Sirius.  
  
"St. Brutus's?" Sirius said questioningly. Harry suddenly kicked Sirius under the table, and gave him a meaningful look.   
  
"Oh yeah, St. Brutus's. I thought it was a fine choice for Harry's education. Heard its quite high-ranked." Sirius said, looking relieved.  
  
Aunt Marge nodded. "I've heard similar things about it. Its the last of a dying breed; you don't see to many schools for the incurably criminal anymore."   
  
Sirius turned his head slowly to look at Harry, and mouthed the words 'incurably criminal?'. Harry shook his head, hoping that he would have a chance to explain that to Sirius later.  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: Hope it lived up to expectations! It'll get funnier, I promise. Chapter 4 up soon! 


	4. The Pudding Incident

Dinner at Number Four  
by Rainsong  
  
A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed; Asteria, Black Sparkles, SiriusBPadfoot, majordomo, vmr, serenity, willow, PigwidgeonChick, Kit Cloudkicker, Vampire Child, arcee, Taracollowen, Mystical Witch, lala, starkitty, ArtGirl, venus4280, kellybee, Mihoshe, A Tye, PurplePhoenix, Moonie, Biohazard, and Arabwel! Thank you so much! PS..in response to SiriusBPadfoot's question, when I say 'soon', it usually means within the next 24 hours, unless stated otherwise. I personally hate it when authors take months to update, so I only write fiction when I know I can devote a good chunck of my time to it. Hope thats good for everyone!'  
  
~~~~  
  
The next few minutes went by without event. Uncle Vernon was prattling on about Grunnings, his drill company, and Harry couldn't tell whether Sirius was actually interested or if he was just very good at being attentive. But then again, Sirius owned a flying motorbike; he probably worked with drills every now and then.  
  
"We've been doing quite well actually, sales have gone up. Especially in the summer. Thats when most folks would prefer to work outside and such." Uncle Vernon said, still looking calm and collected.   
  
Sirius nodded, saying, "I used to work with a few nice power tools when I owned a motorcycle. They were Grunnings brand, and I can tell you honestly that I never had a problem with them." Sirius said as he scooped mashed potatoes onto his plate.  
  
"Motorcycles? We have a few wild teenagers that drive through here on them. Noisy, barbaric things if you ask me." Aunt Marge said shortly, twirling a piece of celery.  
  
Sirius didn't respond, but looked as though he was very curious as to why Aunt Marge was so intent on picking a fight with him.  
  
"Well, would anyone like desert?" Aunt Petunia said, breaking an uncomfortable silence.   
There was a mutual nod from the diners, and Aunt Petunia scuttled off into the kitchen.  
  
"So, you work for the government?" Aunt Marge said, looking back to Sirius.  
  
"Er..yeah. I work at the Min- I mean..Parliament." Sirius said, recovering quickly.  
  
"And what do you do there?"  
  
"Er..law enforcement. I..er...interrogate criminals." Sirius responded.  
  
"Well, thats worthwhile, I suppose. Keeping those murderers off the streets. Speaking of which, I was asking Vernon about this earlier. Did they ever catch that fellow who murdered a dozen people or so a couple years back? Name was something Black." Aunt Marge said.  
  
Sirius dropped his fork, startled. "Um..we're looking into it." Sirius said weakly, turning back to his food. Aunt Marge tsk-tsked. Uncle Vernon looked at Harry nervously.  
  
"Harry, have you heard from Ron and Hermione this summer?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Yeah. Hermione's been at home, studying for her O.W.Ls- I mean 'our', yeah, our exams at school. And Ron's visiting Percy. He's been on business in Canada." Harry said.  
  
Sirius nodded. "Maybe I'll be able to come and see you off when you leave for Hogwarts." Sirius said, smiling. "I could bring Remus too."   
  
Aunt Marge snorted with laughter at the mention of Remus. Sirius dropped his fork, looking exasperated.   
  
"Stop it." he said shortly.   
  
Aunt Marge continued to giggle. Sirius rolled his eyes and clenched his teeth angrily.  
  
  
"Marge raises dogs for a living." Uncle Vernon said, trying to start a new conversation.   
  
"Oh really? What breed?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Bulldogs. Loyal dogs, really. I brought my Ripper with me. He's probably off in the yard, hunting." Aunt Marge said, glancing lazily out the window.   
  
Aunt Petunia walked in, carrying a large bowl of chocolate pudding. She set it before Marge, instructing her to pass it around the table. As she scooped cup after cup of the pudding into her bowl, Aunt Marge continued to speak.  
  
"Of course, like with any dog, you get the runts. You'd never find a decent person who would take one in. You see that with humans, too. Like that one." Aunt Marge said, pointing at Harry with her spoon. "Thats probably why he was dumped on these poor folks." Aunt Marge said, looking sympathetically at Vernon and Petunia.  
  
"Excuse me, but Harry wasn't dumped. For your information, he had no other family." Sirius said, sounding quite irritated. And, as an afterthought, he added "And Harry isn't a 'runt'."   
  
"No other family, eh? I suppose they were all lazy drunkards too. You know, I always thought that there might have been some hope for that Lily sister of yours, Petunia. Its just unfortunate that she ran into that Potter scoundrel." Aunt Marge said with great dislike in her voice.  
  
Sirius leapt to his feet. "SCOUNDREL?" he shouted at Aunt Marge who stood up also.  
  
"Yes, scoundrel. You heard me. Want some more words to describe those two lowlifes? Look in the thesaurus, and you'll find lazy, drunken, good-for-nothing, ne'er-do-wells, careless, cheating, scamps, tramps, and morons among others!" Aunt Marge said, her face growing purple.   
Suddenly, the bowl of pudding that was on the table before Aunt Marge seemed to eject its contents into the air. Pudding flew all over Aunt Marge, covering her face and flowered dress.  
  
Aunt Petunia screeched, but Aunt Marge appeared unperturbed.  
  
"Its all right, Petunia. I have very strong fists, and some of the pudding probably bounced up when I pounded the table. No worries." Aunt Marge said. She was handed a towel, and she wiped the pudding off her face. Soon she was sitting back down in her chair, looking sternly at Sirius. She filled up her glass with sherry, looking determined to continue conversation with him.  
  
Sirius had taken his seat also, but still looked outraged at Marge. Harry thought he had a very good idea of who had made the pudding fly now.  
  
"So. Beg to differ, Mr. Black?" Aunt Marge said quietly, her beady eyes looking set.  
  
Sirius didn't respond. He seemed to be trying his best to ignore her, which was probably for her own safety. Another pudding incident and.. well, Harry didn't like to think about what Aunt Marge would think.  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: Hope it was ok. Chapter 5 tomorrow! I'm trying to stretch out the events and through in some more humorous dialogue, so forgive me if I seem to be running out of ideas. 


	5. The Final Course

Dinner at Number Four - ALTERNATE ENDING  
by Rainsong ~~~~~  
A/N: Ok, I must agree with Elspeth, the ending was a deus ex machina. Honestly, it was done because I wanted to end it swiftly without a Dursley death (I try and keep it realistic.), so Snape came to mind. Trust me, I'm more displeased with myself than any of you are with me. Being a perfectionist, I've crafted an alternate final chapter.  
Hope its a bit better. Thanks for the constructive criticism!  
~~~~  
  
"So, Mr. Black, have you lived here all your life?" Aunt Petunia said, making another daring stab at conversation.   
  
"Yes, I have actually. I grew up outside of London, and have lived there for most of my life." Sirius replied.   
  
"Thats nice. I don't fancy traveling myself. We never did much of it when I was growing up. Its nice to stay in a comfortable area, so I was lucky to meet Vernon right here in Little Whingling." Aunt Petunia said, smiling at Uncle Vernon, who smiled nervously back.  
  
"When did you two get married?" Sirius asked, for the first time looking genuinely curious.   
  
"December of 1980." Aunt Petunia said, suddenly looking a little paler than usual.  
  
Aunt Marge seemed to notice the same thing, because she voiced what Aunt Petunia was probably worrying about.  
  
"Don't worry, Petunia. There was no need for you to invite him or those Potters to your wedding. They probably wouldn't have dressed properly anyway." she said, taking another glass of sherry to her lips.  
  
"Now Marge.." Uncle Vernon said gruffly, looking a little irked at Marge's behavior.  
  
"Don't 'Now Marge' me, Vernon. I know how to spot 'em, and this guest of yours has the same look about him that Potter did. Trouble, trouble, TROUBLE." Aunt Marge said, waving her hand drunkenly.  
  
"Look, Ms. Dursley," Sirius began, growing frustrated again. "You obviously don't like me or my family. Do you think it could be remotely possible to keep your remarks to yourself until I'm gone?" he said.  
  
"Sir, I don't hide from confrontation. And I won't back down on my opinions either just because it hurts your oh-so-delicate feelings. Quit the politeness and fight like a man." Aunt Marge said, her words drunkenly slurred together. "Anyway, its not like I'm judging you blindly. If you were so close to that Potter trash, you obviously can't be worth much of my consideration. Nutters, those two were." Aunt Marge continued.  
"They were not." Harry said before he could stop himself. Still, it was oddly empowering to echo on his words before escaping on the Knight Bus before third year.  
  
"Oh, come on. It was disaster in the making. I could probably map out their last hours perfectly. Its quite a short story. They got drunk, drove off, and wham!" Aunt Marge dramatically clapped her hands "Straight into a tree and straight to the undertaker." Aunt Marge said, still staring at Sirius.   
  
"Don't talk about things you couldn't even begin to comprehend." Sirius growled, trying his best to stay seated.  
  
"What? Oh, you're one of those who so adamantly believes that they didn't die in a car crash. Their boy here said the same thing last year. Obviously a load of rubbish." Aunt Marge said.  
"They died fighting so that horrible Muggles like yourself could go on living!" Sirius erupted, looking murderous.  
  
"Muggle? What's that, biker slang?" Aunt Marge shouted, standing up once more.  
  
Sirius stood up too, ready to face Aunt Marge's wrath.  
  
"You're just the same as those two were. Petunia and Vernon told me a spot about you before you arrived. Best man at their 'wedding', if you'd call it that. And you're the godfather to the boy. Obviously you knew that good-for-nothing wastrel Potter quite well, eh?" Aunt Marge said  
  
"Oh, yes, 'quite well'! Best friend I ever had! And if he was here right now, listening to what you're saying about his wife and son, he'd have cursed you into oblivion by now! I have half a mind to do that myself!" Sirius shouted.  
  
Harry suddenly got a feeling of dread. If Sirius cursed Aunt Marge, and her memory had to be modified, the Ministry wizards might show up. Sirius had just gotten acquitted; he really didn't need to go back to Azkaban on charges of Muggle abuse.  
  
"But Potter's not here, is he? He's dead. Serves him right, too. The world is better off without him! And what's this about 'cursing' me. So you're a wizard now?" Aunt Marge said, laughing.  
  
"Like I said, you shouldn't talk about things you don't understand!" Sirius replied.  
  
"Stop it!" Harry yelled, standing up and glaring at both of them. "This is insane. Neither of you to have any idea what the other is talking about, alright? This entire night was meant to be a peaceful dining experience. Aunt Marge, stop talking about my parents for ONE night. Sirius, don't lose your temper, she's a confused Muggle." he said. Having said his piece, Harry sat back down, feeling slightly embarrassed to be the one to have to end that particular argument.  
  
"I WILL NOT BE TOLD WHAT TO DO BY SOME FOUL, CRIMINAL TEENAGER! Get back into the cupboard where you belong, boy, before I call Ripper to escort you there!" Aunt Marge thundered.  
  
Sirius looked at both of them curiously for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, but did you say 'cupboard'?"  
  
"Yes, the one that he's lived in for his whole life. Hope the spiders are getting to you, boy!" Aunt Marge said scathingly.  
  
"You forced Harry to live in a CUPBOARD?" Sirius asked the Dursleys, sounding more disbelieving than angry at that point.  
  
Uncle Vernon chuckled nervously. "No, of course not! Our nephew, in a cupboard? No, he had a room. Guest room in fact. Little smaller than Dudley's, but that's to be expected, eh? You know, Marge has had a little too much sherry.." Uncle Vernon said shakily, throwing an open bottle of sherry over his shoulder, not noticing as its contents spilled all over the floor.   
  
"Harry, did you live in a cupboard?" Sirius asked, turning back to his godson.   
  
"Er...no?" Harry said, his answer sounding more like a question.   
  
"Dursley, you sicken me." Sirius said, recognizing Harry's false attempt. "You made him live in a cupboard? Harry, with your permission, I think I'll kill him." Sirius said, making a move for his wand.   
  
"NO!" Harry yelled, stepping out in front of the Dursleys. "You can't. Not because I like them," Harry said, throwing a disgusted look at the three huddled behind him, "but because you'd be stamping your own one-way ticket back into Azkaban."   
  
Sirius sighed, shaking his head angrily. He shoved his wand back into his pocket and folded his arms.  
  
"Azkaban? What's that, a circus?" Aunt Marge piped up from where she was still seated at the head of the table.  
  
"No, Marge. Its prison for wizards." Uncle Vernon said, dropping the act entirely.  
  
"Prison? Oh, great, we have an ex-convict on our hands. Possibly an escapee?" Aunt Marge said, eyeing Sirius suspiciously.  
  
"I was innocent, and acquitted only a few months ago. I had been wrongfully imprisoned for over a decade before they found the real culprit." Sirius said. "Didn't Harry tell you I was innocent?" Sirius asked, looking back at Harry.  
  
"No. Obviously it slipped his mind." Uncle Vernon said thickly, obviously quite angry that Harry had used Sirius as a threat for the past two years.  
  
"Hmph. You're that gent from the telly, aren't you?" Aunt Marge squealed, looking scandalized.   
  
"I was on television?" Sirius asked, sounding interested.  
"It was a less kindly version of yourself, but yes." Harry said.  
Sirius looked slightly less enthusiastic at that news, but shrugged and said, "I always thought television would be interesting. We had it in Muggle Studies. And Lily had one."   
  
"Another thing. What the hell is a Muggle?" Aunt Marge asked, her head lolling around drunkenly.  
Harry looked at Sirius and Uncle Vernon warningly, knowing each of them would be equally as willing to spill the beans about the Wizard World to Marge.  
  
"Oh, you know. It means insolent, vile, cruel, self-centered, et cetera." Sirius said, deciding to use Aunt Marge's ignorance to his advantage, making up an alternate definition.  
  
"Then you, Mr. Black, are the biggest MUGGLE I've ever met!" Aunt Marge thundered, standing up again.  
  
Harry and Sirius both began to laugh, looking at Aunt Marge's puffed-out, red face with amusement.  
  
"Look, Marge. Its been hell on Earth meeting you, but I've got to get going if I want to avoid killing you. I'll be taking Harry with me, by the way. Harry, get your stuff." Sirius said. Harry's jaw dropped. "No, really. I mean it." Sirius said, reading Harry's thoughts perfectly.  
  
Harry bounded up the stairs to his room, which Aunt Marge had no idea existed, leaving Sirius to deal with the Dursleys.  
  
Harry threw object after object into his trunk, and in no time, had it downstairs and set before the front door. Sirius was eating what was left of the chocolate pudding, and the Dursleys were all standing with Aunt Marge in the corner.  
  
"Farewell, Harry. We apologize for any anguish we have caused you over the years that you so unfortunately had to endure. We wish you the best for the future." Aunt Petunia said to him, looking very pale. The other Dursleys, including Aunt Marge, nodded, and waved slowly at him. Harry made a mental note to remember this as the oddest Dursley behavior ever.  
  
"Ready then? Alright, we're off. Thanks for a lovely evening, and good riddance." Sirius said, bowing with a flourish and picking up Harry's trunk, which he began to levitate as soon as they had closed the door behind them.  
  
"What did you say to them to get them to..behave like that?" Harry asked, hoping Sirius hadn't put them under the Imperious Curse.  
  
"Oh.. that. Nothing, really. I've always been good at persuasive speaking." Sirius said simply, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
Harry sighed, knowing that this response meant nothing, but decided not to pursue it any further.  
  
"Wait- How are we getting back to your place? You Apparated here, didn't you?" Harry asked, wondering why they were still walking down the street.   
  
"Well, not really. See, I rode here, but I decided parking a motorbike outside of the Dursleys wouldn't be the best idea. I hid it over here-" Sirius said, pointing towards a large bush that Harry had never seen before, "and Apparated to their doorstep. Didn't feel like walking." Sirius said.  
Sirius dropped the suitcase and raised his wand towards the bush. He shouted a spell, and Harry watched as the bush moved away to reveal a shining motorcycle, equipped with a small passenger car.  
  
"Got it back from Hagrid a week ago." Sirius said, smiling proudly.  
  
He proceeded to throw Harry's trunk into a compartment in the passenger car, that must have been enchanted to magically expand.  
  
"Well, hop in! We'll be flying into London in no time." Sirius said, hoping onto the bike as Harry sat down in the twice expanded passenger car. Inserting an oddly old-fashioned key, Sirius revved up the motorcycle, and soon it was floating off the ground.  
  
"Oh, by the way, Harry. I just have one question before we get into the air. Why didn't you tell me you were criminally insane? We could have had fun blowing something up instead of hanging around for dinner." Sirius said.  
  
Harry laughed, as did Sirius. With one final twist of the key, the motorcycle that had 'Black Shadow' written on it in silver lettering was flying over Privet Drive, and into the starry night.  
  
~*The End*~  
  
A/N: I'm much more satisfied with that one..are you? Please review! 


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